McCain’s Next Hail Mary Stunts

September 26, 2008

Slate.com has a list of the next ten John McCain Hail Mary Stunts. Every news organization is now referencing the Senator’s love of shooting craps (a great characteristic for a Damon Runyon character, for the leader of the free world, maybe not).  Frankly, I think the McCain campaign is way ahead of Slate.  My sources indicate the Senator will make the following moves:

  • Suspend the Vice Presidential Campaign: There is a desperate overpopulation of Alaskan moose, which is inhibiting our ability to drill for oil.  Debate and interviews be damned, Sara Palin is the most qualified person to handle this national emergency.
  • Find Jesus: McCain will declare that an old scar from Vietnam on the back of his left buttock looks exactly like Jesus, especially when viewed from a 45 degree angle.
  • Take Over the Mets: A bullpen for the National League is about to crater.  The manager must be fired; players must be taught to put the Team first.
  • End Declining Home Values: He promises that Cindy will increase their real estate holdings from 11 homes to 600,000.
  • Parachute into North Korea:  The single foreign policy victory of the Bush Administration, the nuclear freeze deal with North Korea, is falling apart as Kim Jong-il recovers from a stroke, and the generals leading the country fall back into safe opposition to the West.  Senator McCain will tell the Korean dictator to snap out of it, drag him from his sickbed and put him back into power, and prevent North Korea from restarting plutonium enrichment.
  • Hold a Press Conference: Ok, that one might be a little far-fetched.